Don't Play-Off Me

Couple of notes on the 2009 NBA Playoffs so far...

1) Why is my favorite team not playing? It's now apparent that the Detroit Pistons fielded a team of handicap zombies to participate in this year's big event as they were slaughtered, demolished and, I'll even offend the mothers of the Thorntown Little League for the second time in my life by saying the Pistons were also "disposed" of by the Cavs of Cleveland. Yes, I'm saying that the Pistons players are equal to trash. Hence the disposing. SIDE NOTE: Now, did I really intend to say that a bunch of hick 12-year-old baseball players from the depths of Boone County were on par with a bag of garbage? No, I did not (but the answer is actually 'Yes, they are equal or greater than a bag of hot, sizzling pile of shit). The use of that verb in my tantalizing and controversial game story on the infamous "Battle of the Diamond" (similar to World War II's "Battle of the Bulge", except with less starvation and more Nazi-esque moms yelling at amateur journalists) between the Thorntown Lion's Club and Dairy Queen teams caused an uproar that I am proud to say I was the catalyst of. My only regret is that I actually apologized for using the word instead of sticking to my guns and bitching the bitch out for bitching me out. But, life's a bitch, so let's move on.

The Pacers would have certainly put on a better performance in four games than the crap that the Pistons threw onto NBA fans everywhere. Even with our attendance problems at the Reggie Miller Fieldhouse, I guarantee that we wouldn't have had to resort to enticing opposing fans to come to games.

Maybe it's time that we re-evaluate why Detroit is still a city. Is it time to harness our inner-Nomad and pack up shop and leave town? Maybe it's time to pull a Chi-town and just burn the damn thing down and start over. Hell, I know several Chicago people who will be first in line with matches to start the fire. We can even use this video as a starting point.

2) Lovin' the Bulls-Celtics series. Only problem is that they've scheduled the first two weeks worth of this series on nights (and days) when I'm unavailable to watch it...until Tuesday's Game Five. After slippin' and slidin' my way out of class a nice two hours early on Tuesday, I made it home in time to catch the entire game and it didn't disappoint. It wasn't the dominating late-game heroics from Paul Pierce that got me excited though. Nor was it the crazy shots unleashed by Ben Gordon. It wasn't even the shot of a tearing up Brad Miller that made this game for me. No, for me, this was my first chance to catch the Err Dizz's boi, Bulls' coach Vinny Del Negro, in action during the playoffs.

I had the luxury, nay, privilege, to watch Del Negro coach in-person twice this season. It's not everyday that the Err Dizz and I can poke fun at the ineptness of an NBA coach for an entire game, yet be completely accurate in even the most sarcastic barbs that we make at the guy. There are so many points during games when Vinny has no idea where he is, or who his has playing on the court. The great thing for NBA fans is that Vinny has finally replaced the "George Bush" role in our lives. Comedians are still struggling everyday on coming up with ideas to make fun of Obama, so they resort to 10-year-old Bush jokes (note: I realize the double-entendre of the last phrase, and I'm OK with it). But now we have Del Negro. He's perfect for this gig and here are some reasons: he looks confused, even foolish, on the bench; he does things that make even a casual NBA fan blush such as using all of his timeouts or spending 85 percent of said timeout by standing with his assistants 10 feet away from his players while he stares into the space; he was not the first choice for the job (i.e. the 2000 election) as Mike D'Antoni and Doug Collins were first and second choices; we assume that an older, mysterious figure (i.e. Dick Cheney) is really running the team on the bench in the form of Del Harris.

Therefore, it's enjoyable to see Del Negro on the bench because it's so easy to make jokes and laugh at his expense. I absolutely loved watching the final minute of regulation Tuesday as Del Negro screwed up rotations, drew up some of the worst out-of-timeout plays in the history of the game, and did his best to undermine everything good that Derrick Rose did. So, needless to say, I'm looking forward to catching tonight's game so I can see Bulls fans light him on fire after he tries to insert Andres Nocioni into the game with 10 seconds remaining in the third overtime, thus receiving a technical foul because, per NBA rules, you can't insert guys you traded to another team halfway through the season, but poor Vinny had forgotten this.

3) Chris Anderson is a freak. He is also a theif. The Bird-Man thing blatantly breaks the copyright owned by several CORONA members. We call it "Pterodactyl defense" Mr. Anderson. Please send all royalty checks to 920 Neely Ave., Muncie, Ind.

On to the links....

Info for Bo
I don't know about you, but the 93-94 Pacers are looking good. That Game One win in Orlando was an amazing finish as the Pacers nabbed an 89-88 victory. The game-winning play started with Reggie Miller earning a triple-freakin-team as he drove the lane, so he dished to a wide-open Byron Scott who buried the open trey with two seconds remaining. Nick Anderson's 25-foot heave at the buzzer bounced off the back rim and the Pacers were victorious. Miller led the Pacers with 24 points, Rik Smits added 16 and second-year starter Shaq O'Neal added 24 of his own. Here's hoping Game Two is just as exciting as Game One.

Hello, Mr. Radio
Now I understand why you love the Blackhawks. It all makes sense now...enjoy!

My Sox are White
After dominating the fantasy baseball league for three weeks, it looks like that I've finally met my match in the battle of the unbeatens this week. Sobucki is making my team look mortal as he's risen to an early 192-150 lead and I only have three starting pictures left this week, meaning certain doom for Team Stevenson. The Err Dizz is on pace to record his third win of the short season as he's thumping Lawlor, and even Thomas D is on pace for his first win.

Bobsled This!
Here's your inspiration for your big sprint competition coming up. Just do exactly what he does and you'll be fine. You might even want to go with the gold chains.

Mrs. Thug Mrs.
Time for your weekly Idol link. Here's a blog that you should be following daily to give you the most up-to-date news.

You tube...no, you're a tube
Pretty excited about his upcoming episode of Family Guy. Enjoy.

Jogging Journal: Under the Taker

If two days of wrestling weren't enough for you (and I'm not counting ECW), then Thursday's debut of the WWE Superstars on the national TV network of WGN is exactly what you needed. Unfortunately, some people who live in the boondocks of Indiana's wilderness region in Williamsburg can't get WGN on their television set. These people are slumdogs, without the millionaire part.

So in order to help my nearly homeless brethren, I'm going to attempt my first-ever running diary. Of course, I'm borrowing this idea from the Err Dizz, who stole it from Bill Simmons. So I'm like 10-times removed from the actual stealing of this idea so it's pretty much original. Plus, I've come up with an alliterative new name for it -- Jogging Journal. That's a 3-pointer in the world of writing. Now, if you want a real synopsis of the actual wrestling moves and some detailed analysis, visit this link. If you don't want any useful information, but you would like to see a small picture of a Diva, then this is the blog for you.

Ok, without further ado, here goes something:

8:00 p.m. (Eastern Time) -- The standard WWE intro begins. My sound is too low. I'm going to turn up the volume by about 10 notches. There, it's done. Now it's too loud. I'm going to turn down the volume by two notches. Perfect. (Bored yet? Me too.)

8:01 -- Sweet! New intro for a new show. Whodathunkit? Somehow MVP sneaks into the intro for a show that only features Superstars. Lame! But, thank God, Batista makes the highlight real twice. BATISTA BOMB!

8:02 -- Oh shit!

8:03 -- Sorry, I passed out. I've been trained like Pavlov's dogs that whenever I hear the first bang of "Hells Bells", I immediately drop to the floor, my eyes roll to the back of my head and I die a little inside. The Undertaker is the inagural wrestler for the show. Not a bad way to start this little program.

8:04 -- Packed house as usual. I know TV ratings are down for the WWE, but they still pulled the highest cable TV ratings last week for both hours of RAW and they sell out every damn arena they go to. How does WWE not have its own channel yet? If the NBA and MLB can have their own cable channels, then surely wrestling can do the same thing. Keep RAW on the USA network, then move Smackdown and ECW to the new channel, and finally, flood the daily schedule with large doses of classic wrestling matches and analysis. This should happen within the next year.

8:06 -- Three minutes after the Undertaker is introduced, Matt Hardy makes his way to the mat. His intro takes less than a minute. Finally something makes sense in the world.

8:06 -- Matt Hardy dives out of the ring. Apparently he has the balls to set his brother's house on fire, kill his brother's dog and try to run his brother off the road, all in attempts to kill his flesh and blood, but when the Undertaker just raises his hand once, Matt Hardy squirms out of the ring like a baby seal. Matt Hardy, welcome to Hell.

8:07 -- First commercial break. Matt Hardy has yet to hit the Undertaker. He is currently wallowing in pain on the ground outside the mat, while the Undertaker stands watching in the middle of the ring. No one is a match for the Dead Man. I'd like to see the Undertaker wrestle Jesus, or maybe just go for broke and wrestle God Himself. Maybe then he'd have some competition. Even then, I'd have to give the edge to the Undertaker. I mean I witnessed the dude throw another dude through a mat and light him on fire. All God did was light a bush on fire. Point for the Undertaker.

8:10 -- Return from commercial. Matt Hardy still on the ground in pain.

8:13 -- Ringo brings me his string and sits in front of me while staring at me with those big, green eyes. It's too much. Time to drag the string around for a bit. I'm not missing much of the match. Matt Hardy has countered on a few moves but he's doomed.

8:14 -- I'm 97 percent sure that Hardy is peforming something out of the Kama Sutra on the Undertaker right now. I guarantee you that Tom could find this position being performed somewhere on his computer. His computer is a magic porn machine.

8:16 -- This guy's a bigger pansy than I thought. After picking up a chair and readying to climb back into the ring, Hardy instead throws the chair down and takes the count out for the loss. I would consider it an honor to be Tombstoned by the Undertaker. It'd be like getting shot by Clint Eastwood, getting sliced open by Obi-Wan Kenobi or taking the money shot from Ron Jeremy. You don't just walk away from greatness. You let greatness walk all over you.

8:17 -- Jeff Hardy makes an appearance and sans make-up, which means I can kind of take him seriously again. Hardy vs. Hardy. Matt makes the mistake of climbing back into the ring for safety. The Undertaker hasn't moved from the ring. Now it's time for the combination of Eastwood-Kenobi-Jeremy in chokeslam form.

8:18 -- Undertaker wins. Commercial for Backlash, which is one week from Sunday. Can't wait to use the Mrs. Thug Mrs.'s money to buy that.

8:22 -- Next match is an ECW matchup between Christian and Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle). Despite the awesomeness of Hornswoggle and the somewhat coolness and freshness of Christian, I'm not too excited. I'm looking forward to Hornswoggle to wrestle by himself on RAW after being drafted to the brand on Monday. I could see a nice story line between him and Santino. Maybe even a love angle between Hornswaggle and Beth Phoenix. That'd be sweet!

8:29 -- Christian hits the Killswitch and pins Flinlay. Eh. Whatever. Next match please.

8:30 -- Next up: Shane McMahon vs. Cody "He's a fag if I've ever seen one" Rhodes. This is gonna need to be a long match to fill the time slot. Ah snap! A new "Greatest Stars of the 90's" DVD is out now. Might need to pick that one up.

8:33 -- Gieco commercials. I don't mind these commercials with the stack of money with the eye balls, but it seems like everybody else absolutely despises them. Any commercial that uses the best five-second clip from Rockwell's "Sombody's Watching Me" is fine in my book.

8:35 -- Damnit! Michael Cole is announcing the final match. How the hell is he still doing RAW? With John Madden now free from football committments, maybe the WWE can get him to do some commentary for them. Seems logical to me.

8:37 -- So this how they're going to kill the last half hour...more commercials.

8:42 -- Back from the five-minute commercial break. To borrow the sarcasm of the great Phil Friend, "Awesome." Shane enters to his cool music, but shitty dance. He has to feel absolutely ridiculous doing that. He pretty much half-assed the dance tonight.

8:45 -- I would never wrestle Cody Rhodes. That's just too close to being in a gay porn. Again, Tom could probably show you examples.

8:46 -- Shane flies off the steel steps and crashes on top of Rhodes, thus hurting both of them. Smooth.

8:47 -- Rhodes is getting his ass beat. And I'm sure it's not the first time.

8:52 -- Back from my nap and another commercial break. Time for a Diva photo. Here are the Bella twins. Enjoy.

8:53 -- Rhodes has taken control of the situtation and he has Shane on all fours. Rhodes stands over Shane with his hands around his neck and provides some hip thrusting for added effect. Pretty sure that's only legal in Deliverance.

8:55 -- Rhodes grabs a chair but is warned by the referee that he'll be disqualified if he uses it. That's two chairs picked up and two chairs not used for those of you not counting at home.

8:57 -- Now that's what I'm talking about. Shane grabs a chair and he knows how to use it. Of course, the match is now over since he's disqualified, but it was totally worth it. Thattaboy Shane!

8:58 -- Shane grabs a trash can from under the ring. He's gonna do his little jump into the trashcan that is laying on a disabled Rhodes. Wow, he did it. Jumping from one rope to the otherside of the ring, Shane hit the trash can to effectively kill Rhodes.

9:00 -- Show's over and time for the Office. Not a bad start to the series. I gotta admit that I do like the one-hour format for some quick hits from wrestling. Quick promo that says Batista is coming back to Smackdown on Friday. Now I'm excited.

You Tube...no, you're a tube

Link Me

It's Beetles...with an A
Sept. 9, 2009. Mark this day on your calendar, because it is the day that I will be forced to declare bankruptcy. Not only is it the day before my sister's birthday, six days before my wife's birthday, 10 days before my dad's birthday, but it's now the day that I will be forced to drop hundreds upon hundreds of dollars for things related to the Beatles. The Guitar Hero video game is scheduled to release that day, and I, of course, will be purchasing the full band set that includes replica guitars and drums. Now, Apple has announced that the entire Beatle song catelog has finally been remastered on CD and the stereo and mono versions will be released that same day. So after 22 years of listening to the awful quality on 80's cds, we finally get the new songs, but instead of being like every other 60's band in the world, the Beatles are choosing not to release both mono and stereo versions of songs on the same cd. So, now I have to buy two seperate discographies. Obviously, I'm gonna have to start selling plasma again.

My Sox are White
Well, the fantasy baseball season is upon us and I am definitely enjoying my early domination of Err's ESPN baseball league, more commonly known as the "Drunken Chuggers". As of 2:30 p.m on April 10, my team of dynamite bats and throwers are leading my first-round matchup 166-110. But the big matchup of the week is between rival squads from the Err Dizz and Tom Baloney. Unfortunately for Tom, the baseball Commish is dominating like yours truly with a 189-105 lead. I'm going to go bold and predict a big win for the Err Dizz for this first week. I gotta admit that fantasy baseball is really easy. All you have to do is NOT pick the players that die in car wrecks. Anyone? Too soon? Let's move on...

Info for Bo
The 2008-09 Pacers are one loss and/or one Detroit win away from being kicked out of the playoff race...but, the 1993-94 Pacers are about to turn a huge corner, the kind of corner that makes you say, "Damn, that is one helluva corner." After suffering back-to-back losses to the Hornets and Bulls, the Pacers were sitting with a 39-35 record, while fighting for a playoff spot with eight games remaining in the season. But on April 11, 1994, the Pacers came home to play the Celtics, and the 121-108 win would spark one of the greatest runs in Pacer history. The infamous Rik Smits dominated by scoring a game-high 32 points, while Reggie Miller added 22 points and even the Satan-like Derrick McKey 19 points in the win.

Hello, Mr. Radio
I decided to jump back into "Rescue Me" after missing all of Season Four, but since it's taken them a 1 1/2 year to get back on the air, I figured this was a good time to jump back in and, of course, it didn't disappoint. Tommy Gavin continues to relish in his role of portraying an older Tom Maloney, and the easy on-the-eyes ex-wife is still on the show. Also, anytime an older Scott Howard (aka Michael J. Fox) is on a show, that's good enough for me.

Mrs. Thug Mrs.
Here's an easy way to keep updated on the happenings of Idol and who the people think should win the competition. Little fairy Adam is winning by a landslide after last week, with Allison and Matt rounding out the top three. But the big story is Anoop Dog reaching into the top five over yer boi Chris. Bam!

Turn up the Aperture!
This is a Top-10 list that I expect to see you on within the next five years. This goal is very attainable. I mean, really, they're wedding photographers. I'm pretty sure you can handle those guys.

I Me Mine
This segment is dedicated to the other Sean Stevenson's in the world who somehow land in my news alerts/google search. My people continue to rule the world in the sporting world as my man, Sean, is taking Utah Valley baseball to new heights and saltier lakes. It's a young team (they are high school students), with a difficult schedule, but behind home plate is senior Sean Stevenson, so obviously this team is going to surprise some people this year. Now, he just started catching last year, but here's what coach Ryan Hall said about the future Hall-of-Famer.

"Sean is definitely the guy helping his teammates out when someone makes a mistake. He's always there trying to help them get better so they aren't doing the same thing over and over," Hall said.

Just based on that quote, I'm penciling this team in for about 348 wins this season. The Bruins are on the way with a 12-5 record to start the year. Good luck to the Mountain View Bruins! Thank you for bringing celebrity and greatness to our name.

You Tube...no, you're a tube
Batista Bomb! Enjoy.

Yep, He Brought the Lightning

Jesus. Effin. Christ.

If you happened to catch a glimpse of the Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels match at Wrestlemania 25 last night, you definitely uttered those three words (in no particular order) at some point during the epic 45-minute psycho match that pitted the two greatest Wrestlemania performers against one another.

Some other phrases you potentially uttered were: "That was awesome", "I can now die in peace", "Where am I?", "How did he survive that?", "Is this Heaven?", "[speechless]"

The Undertaker, who brought an unparalleled 16-0 record into the night, against Mr. Wrestlemania, Shawn Michaels. I expected big things, almost as big as Santino's new bosums. Bo frequently asked me if I was ready for this match to actually happen. I nodded with the expression of a 12-year old boy being molested by his 24-year hot chick teacher: I was scared, happy and I felt a tingling inside me that I had never felt before me. This match was going to be special.

But nothing really could have prepared me for what transpired. I thought the epic Undertaker-Edge match at SummerSlam last July was the peak of my wrestling viewing, as I figured nothing could topple the sight of the Undertaker throwing Edge threw the ring and then lighting him on fire. But last night's match was ridiculous, particluarly for a match that didn't involve a single ladder, chair, steel cage or Shawn Michael's wife.

You can read a step-by-step rehash of the match here, so I'm not gonna bore myself with that. The only problem with the match was that it happened before the two "Main Events" and it not only left the two participants absolutely exhausted, but the audience had nothing left either. Therefore it completely crushed the match that involved the love triangle between Edge-Big Show-Vickie and John Cena, and then the big match of Triple H vs. Orton left way more to be desired (how do the McMahon's not show up in this match? How?). I was amazed that I just didn't care after the Undertaker-Michaels match. They should have just shown the replay twice to end the pay-per-view and I would've been thrilled for that.

The night was full of surprises (CM Punk winning the MIB, JBL retiring, and MOB in the BIC with the JBS) but I can't wait to spend the $25 on the Wrestlemania 25 DVD next year just so I can watch the Undertaker rise to 17-0 in the match of the decade. Now I've got to come back down to Earth to watch the WWE Draft next week and hopefully witness Batista's return. After that, it's time to book tickets for March 28, 2010 in the desert of Arizona...WrestleMania 26. It's already in my cell phone calendar, and there's only been two events ever put into my cell phone calendar with one being my wedding; and the other is WrestleMania 26.

In the words of the Nature Boy...Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!