So in order to help my nearly homeless brethren, I'm going to attempt my first-ever running diary. Of course, I'm borrowing this idea from the Err Dizz, who stole it from Bill Simmons. So I'm like 10-times removed from the actual stealing of this idea so it's pretty much original. Plus, I've come up with an alliterative new name for it -- Jogging Journal. That's a 3-pointer in the world of writing. Now, if you want a real synopsis of the actual wrestling moves and some detailed analysis, visit this link. If you don't want any useful information, but you would like to see a small picture of a Diva, then this is the blog for you.Ok, without further ado, here goes something:
8:00 p.m. (Eastern Time) -- The standard WWE intro begins. My sound is too low. I'm going to turn up the volume by about 10 notches. There, it's done. Now it's too loud. I'm going to turn down the volume by two notches. Perfect. (Bored yet? Me too.)
8:01 -- Sweet! New intro for a new show. Whodathunkit? Somehow MVP sneaks into the intro for a show that only features Superstars. Lame! But, thank God, Batista makes the highlight real twice. BATISTA BOMB!
8:02 -- Oh shit!
8:03 -- Sorry, I passed out. I've been trained like Pavlov's dogs that whenever I hear the first bang of "Hells Bells", I immediately drop to the floor, my eyes roll to the back of my head and I die a little inside. The Undertaker is the inagural wrestler for the show. Not a bad way to start this little program.
8:04 -- Packed house as usual. I know TV ratings are down for the WWE, but they still pulled the highest cable TV ratings last week for both hours of RAW and they sell out every damn arena they go to. How does WWE not have its own channel yet? If the NBA and MLB can have their own cable channels, then surely wrestling can do the same thing. Keep RAW on the USA network, then move Smackdown and ECW to the new channel, and finally, flood the daily schedule with large doses of classic wrestling matches and analysis. This should happen within the next year.
8:06 -- Three minutes after the Undertaker is introduced, Matt Hardy makes his way to the mat. His intro takes less than a minute. Finally something makes sense in the world.
8:06 -- Matt Hardy dives out of the ring. Apparently he has the balls to set his brother's house on fire, kill his brother's dog and try to run his brother off the road, all in attempts to kill his flesh and blood, but when the Undertaker just raises his hand once, Matt Hardy squirms out of the ring like a baby seal. Matt Hardy, welcome to Hell.
8:07 -- First commercial break. Matt Hardy has yet to hit the Undertaker. He is currently wallowing in pain on the ground outside the mat, while the Undertaker stands watching in the middle of the ring. No one is a match for the Dead Man. I'd like to see the Undertaker wrestle Jesus, or maybe just go for broke and wrestle God Himself. Maybe then he'd have some competition. Even then, I'd have to give the edge to the Undertaker. I mean I witnessed the dude throw another dude through a mat and light him on fire. All God did was light a bush on fire. Point for the Undertaker.
8:10 -- Return from commercial. Matt Hardy still on the ground in pain.
8:13 -- Ringo brings me his string and sits in front of me while staring at me with those big, green eyes. It's too much. Time to drag the string around for a bit. I'm not missing much of the match. Matt Hardy has countered on a few moves but he's doomed.
8:14 -- I'm 97 percent sure that Hardy is peforming something out of the Kama Sutra on the Undertaker right now. I guarantee you that Tom could find this position being performed somewhere on his computer. His computer is a magic porn machine.
8:16 -- This guy's a bigger pansy than I thought. After picking up a chair and readying to climb back into the ring, Hardy instead throws the chair down and takes the count out for the loss. I would consider it an honor to be Tombstoned by the Undertaker. It'd be like getting shot by Clint Eastwood, getting sliced open by Obi-Wan Kenobi or taking the money shot from Ron Jeremy. You don't just walk away from greatness. You let greatness walk all over you.
8:17 -- Jeff Hardy makes an appearance and sans make-up, which means I can kind of take him seriously again. Hardy vs. Hardy. Matt makes the mistake of climbing back into the ring for safety. The Undertaker hasn't moved from the ring. Now it's time for the combination of Eastwood-Kenobi-Jeremy in chokeslam form.
8:18 -- Undertaker wins. Commercial for Backlash, which is one week from Sunday. Can't wait to use the Mrs. Thug Mrs.'s money to buy that.
8:22 -- Next match is an ECW matchup between Christian and Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle). Despite the awesomeness of Hornswoggle and the somewhat coolness and freshness of Christian, I'm not too excited. I'm looking forward to Hornswoggle to wrestle by himself on RAW after being drafted to the brand on Monday. I could see a nice story line between him and Santino. Maybe even a love angle between Hornswaggle and Beth Phoenix. That'd be sweet!8:29 -- Christian hits the Killswitch and pins Flinlay. Eh. Whatever. Next match please.
8:30 -- Next up: Shane McMahon vs. Cody "He's a fag if I've ever seen one" Rhodes. This is gonna need to be a long match to fill the time slot. Ah snap! A new "Greatest Stars of the 90's" DVD is out now. Might need to pick that one up.
8:33 -- Gieco commercials. I don't mind these commercials with the stack of money with the eye balls, but it seems like everybody else absolutely despises them. Any commercial that uses the best five-second clip from Rockwell's "Sombody's Watching Me" is fine in my book.
8:35 -- Damnit! Michael Cole is announcing the final match. How the hell is he still doing RAW? With John Madden now free from football committments, maybe the WWE can get him to do some commentary for them. Seems logical to me.
8:37 -- So this how they're going to kill the last half hour...more commercials.
8:42 -- Back from the five-minute commercial break. To borrow the sarcasm of the great Phil Friend, "Awesome." Shane enters to his cool music, but shitty dance. He has to feel absolutely ridiculous doing that. He pretty much half-assed the dance tonight.
8:45 -- I would never wrestle Cody Rhodes. That's just too close to being in a gay porn. Again, Tom could probably show you examples.
8:46 -- Shane flies off the steel steps and crashes on top of Rhodes, thus hurting both of them. Smooth.
8:47 -- Rhodes is getting his ass beat. And I'm sure it's not the first time.
8:52 -- Back from my nap and another commercial break. Time for a Diva photo. Here are the Bella twins. Enjoy.8:53 -- Rhodes has taken control of the situtation and he has Shane on all fours. Rhodes stands over Shane with his hands around his neck and provides some hip thrusting for added effect. Pretty sure that's only legal in Deliverance.
8:55 -- Rhodes grabs a chair but is warned by the referee that he'll be disqualified if he uses it. That's two chairs picked up and two chairs not used for those of you not counting at home.
8:57 -- Now that's what I'm talking about. Shane grabs a chair and he knows how to use it. Of course, the match is now over since he's disqualified, but it was totally worth it. Thattaboy Shane!
8:58 -- Shane grabs a trash can from under the ring. He's gonna do his little jump into the trashcan that is laying on a disabled Rhodes. Wow, he did it. Jumping from one rope to the otherside of the ring, Shane hit the trash can to effectively kill Rhodes.
9:00 -- Show's over and time for the Office. Not a bad start to the series. I gotta admit that I do like the one-hour format for some quick hits from wrestling. Quick promo that says Batista is coming back to Smackdown on Friday. Now I'm excited.
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3 comments:
Thanks for the mention, but just so you know, you're just making me more famous.
What time is it?
8:52. Why, what's up?
Oh, nothing, I just have a couple of things to do.
Best part about this post:
Reading about Ringo playing with a string. So cute :)
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