NFL Preview...book it

So guess who's healthier than a well-hung ox...that'd be this guy. Oh yes, I'm out of bed, running through the woods, picking flowers and taking souls as my antibodies fought a valiant war against the big bad cold virus. Chalk up another victory for me. That's like a 50-0 record over my lifetime. It is somewhat sad, however, as we lost several good men out there. But there were heroes and they will be honored as they've kept me alive another day. Please stand and join me in singing their praises. Hats off damnit!

Ok, you may sit down now. It's Labor Day (as pictured to your right) weekend and after making the rounds to my parents, both grandparents, my wife's parents, her grandparents and other people's houses in one 14-hour day on Saturday, today is "lounge in my dirty clothes and don't leave the couch" Day. So to commerate this special moment, I present to you my first annual (fuck you journalism teachers who told me I can't write first annual...I'm doing it and loving every second of it) Pro Football Picks. Everyone else is doing it. Why can't I? Just because I'm not a professional writer doesn't mean I can't chime in. I'm going to go out on some limbs, climb a few high branches and maybe take a plunge down the ugly tree, but these picks should be something you haven't seen yet.

Remember, however, that preseason picks usually aren't worth the paper they're printed on, so since this is on a free blog, assume these picks are worthless. I'm going to split these up over the course of two blogs so it looks like I'm blogging more than I actually am doing. On to the picks!

AFC EAST
1. Jets: Whoa! Already a big shakeup in the league. I know what you're saying. 1) Favre is gay, 2) New England has Brady and Moss, 3) the Pats have the easiest schedule in the NFL this year. I don't care. Unfortunately for the Pats, a week 2 upset in the Meadowlands will send their season spirling (see below) and the Jets will be launched into a division-winning season. Book it.
2. Bills: Why not?
3. Dolphins: Pennington helps the fish win six games, but they still suck.
4. Patriots: During the week 2 loss to the J-E-T-S, the Pats lose Brady to a season-ending groin injury. As losses pile up, Moss requests a mid-season trade and he is shipped to the Eagles. Things get worse for Brady as his groin injury turns off Gisele and she leaves him to live in Greenwood, Ind., as she searches for her lover. Luckily, I'm married so I don't have to worry about her stalking me. Anyways, the Pats win one game this year. Tough luck.

AFC NORTH
1. Steelers: Big Ben and Willie Parker use my fantasy football motivational skills to help propell their team to greatness.
2. Browns: Hello Cleveland!
3. Bengals: Chad OchoCinco can't save Cincy.
4. Ravens: Didn't Ray Lewis murder somebody once? Normally that would earn bonus points in predictions like this, but after remembering the charges were dismissed, I can't give him props for being a bad ass. Loss of cool points result in last place in the division.

NFC NORTH
1. Bears: Despite Tom thinking his team is going to be drafting in the top five after this season, he doesn't know that Rex will hold a press conference after a week 3 loss to Tampa Bay to say "I was just kidding these past few years. I'm actually the next Johnny U. This whole sucking thing? Just a joke gone wrong. Sorry for the pain." Grossman breaks Brady's TD record en route to leading Chi-town to a 13-3 record.
2. Vikings: Peterson rushes for 18,000 yards and scores 78 rushing TD's to help me win the CORONA fantasy football championship.
3. Lions: Yep.
4. Packers: No wins for the Pack this year. Maybe next year.

NFC EAST
1. Eagles: The midseason Moss trade leads to the Eagles going the rest of the regular season undefeated.
2. Cowboys: A simple-minded blogger would mention Tony Romo's love life, but not me. I coached a runner who had the same name as a certain Dallas kick returner and he pissed in a bottle on a bus on the way home after a meet. That's enough to give the Cowboys second place in a tough division.
3. Giants: I was counting on Strahan to unretire when I drafted this defense in the CORONA fantasy league last week. I'm pissed. Third place for you!
4. Redskins: I really know nothing about this team. Told ya this thing was worthless.

Tune in to the next blog to get the rest of the predictions for the regular season and playoffs. Only gonna have one subcategory today, so hope you enjoy and thanks for tuning in.

Hello, Mr. Radio
I mentioned her name, so obviously a pictured needed to be included. Enjoy.