ight before and of course, this blog's breadwinner Roshown McLeod showed up for his second stint in the class. I wish I could post of his stories but alas, I was trying to decipher a effin epic poem that starts off by saying, "Some things should never be read the first time and this is one of them." Effectively it means you have no chance of understanding anything unless 1) you speak Middle English (I do not); 2) You reread it 27 times (I will not) and 3) You give a shit (I do not).But we're moving on to bigger and better things. I've decided to trash my epic Pacer blog that compares this 08-09 team to the 93-94 team. Two reasons: 1) It's completely unfair to the 93-94 team, because this year's team doesn't have 1/2 the talent and 2) I just can't make a case to compare Roy Hibbert (who's looked better than Smits ever did in preseason play) to Rik Smits and Danny Granger to Reggie Miller. Just can't do it. So while Bo and I were attending the first home preseason game on Wednesday, Bo noticed how the game felt eerily similar to the start of Major League. He came up with some good comparisons so I've put him in charge of coming up with a blog entry and be an honorary writer. Hopefully that will come soon. Until then, the next two blogs are previewing the NBA season. Because I was so right in picking the NFL season's top injury (Tom Brady), I figured I really owe it to the world to predict a major injury for every NBA team. So that's how we're doing this. If you happen to be a player that is featured in this list and you feel offended that I predict you might die from your injured ailment, please don't be offended. I would just start praying and then I would just quit playing basketball. I've been right about these things before and that's not changing.
THE WEST (WHERE THE SUN SETS)
NORTHWEST
Utah (1) - Andrei Gennadevich Kirilenko: In an unfortunate incident, Sly Stallone attends the Jazz-Lakers game on Jan. 2 and the aging actor sees AK-47 on the court. Stallone thinks Ak-47 is the one and only Ivan Drago from Rocky IV and he goes into a fit of dementia where he runs on the court and beats Kirilenko senseless as only Rocky could. Kirilenko misses three months.
Portland (7) - Greg Oden: In the third week of the season, the rest of his body catches up with his face and the 20-year-old Oden suddenly is collecting social security at age 64 (yes, that's a Beatles reference). Oden never plays again.
Denver - Allen Iverson: Apparently everyone but Kobe from the 96-97 draft aged about 43 years during last season. Suddenly O'Neal, Iverson, Allen, Marbury and Nash weren't as good anymore. The old-age hits Iverson again as his lungs collapse in the high altitute of Denver. Iverson misses 17 weeks.
Minnesota - Randy Foye: I drafted him as my backup point guard in my fantasy basketball league, which is a roster spot that is like a death trap on my team. He'll miss at least 3 months to some freak injury.
Oklahoma City - None: This is team is just bad enough to suck without any catestrophic injuries.
PACIFIC
L.A. Lakers (2) - Laker girls: The cheerleaders have major back and knee problems after being Kobe'd so often after games. The injury is recurring.
Phoenix (6) - Shaq: The Big Daddy comes down with a major case of Tired Butt Syndrome. He'll miss 3/4 of the season.
L.A. Clippers - Steve Novak: After being talked about so much by former Marquette coaches during my Coaching of Basketball class, Novak gets a big head about it and is hunted down by African head-hunters in the jungles Southern California. Novak dies upon beheading.
Golden State - Monta Ellis: The suspended point guard re-injures himself during his 30-game suspension and this time he really was playing pick-up basketball. But the boy who cried wolf is suspended the rest of the season and then traded.
Sacramento - Brad Miller: Indiana farming accident. Unlike the boy in Superman III, there is no Man of Steel to keep Miller from being chopped into pieces from a combine.
SOUTHWEST
Houston (3) - Ron Artest: While sitting on the bench during a Rockets game in December (not sure which day, my crystal ball is cloudy on this), a Corona Bottle will be thrown at Artest's head and it will shatter into millions of pieces of glass, many of which are imbedded into his skull. This time he doesn't get up and charge the stands to fight the fans. Artest will miss the rest of the season due to death.
San Antonio (4) - Tony Parker: After watching new episodes of Desperate Housewives, Parker sees how wife Eva Longoria looks without make-up (seriously, wow). He goes into shock. Parker misses one month.
New Orleans (5) - Peja Stojackovic: In a similar incident to Parker, Peja looks in the mirror to see how ugly his Euro ass really is. He goes into shock. Peja misses five months (he is much uglier than a makeup-less Longoria).
Dallas (8) - Shawne Williams: After hanging out with murderers while with the Pacers, Williams starts hanging with Texas murderers. Apparently he never watched Clint Eastwood movies. These guys actually kill people like all the time, not like those Memphis/Indy types. Williams is sentenced to life in jail. He misses the rest of the season.
Memphis - O.J. Mayo: After the Earth is invaded by an army of Jolly Green Giants in Feburary (roughly), the rookie is used as mayo on one of the giant's ham & cheese sandwiches. He misses the rest of the season.
On to the links...
Hello Mr. Radio
Eva Longoria in her better times. Enjoy.
It's Beetles..with an A
So Ringo is cutting off fans. No more letters or autographs after Oct. 10. What a bitter old man. What ever happened to Yellow Submarine, With A Little Help From My Friends and Octopus's Garden?
2 minutes...2-ah
Well, after one preseason game (and another tonight) it's pretty safe to say we're not making the playoffs and that the Reggie Miller Fieldhouse is going to be pretty spacious this year. Granger isn't shooting well, Jarrett Jack reminds me of Travis Best on every play and the two people doing emcee at the games suck balls (I can't understand a word they say). On the flipside, Hibbert looks great, T.J. Ford is fast as Satan flying through Chaos in Paradise Lost and Austin Croshere is finally riding the bench. Those are good things. (BTW, Bo and I did Croshere's plus-minus for the Dallas game and he was minus-29...real smooth).
Info for Bo
I will only be impressed when you recruit a cross country team like this. Two hundred runners on one team shouldn't be too hard to get.
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1 comment:
Da Bulls!
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